Obviously things have been a bit busy around here. We are pretty much settled in the new house. Silas and Jewel are making strides with getting reorientated with friends and schedules and such here. Jordan and I are enjoying our new, much more predictable, schedule with his work. Jordan is doing incredible there and really liking every aspect of it. I am reconnecting with my friends, establishing new order around the house and with our routines, and am 23 weeks pregnant (you can do the math...Jordan's Christmas visit was short but, well, cue the jokes here).
I had my second ultrasound today. We aren't finding out the gender of the baby, but with our pregnancy history we would have plenty of opportunity. I am currently scheduled to have an ultrasound every three weeks from now until I am past 32 weeks. I started my progesterone shots (as I did with Jewel), and continue to go in for those every week through week 34.
Today was a really incredible day. I have been praying a lot lately about God speaking truth to me about my identity. There has been a lot of change, uprooting, difficulty, stress, and adjusting going on in our lives for the past two and a half years. But here we are now, getting our feet underneath us. I have been really struggling with how to transition out of this stressful state. For a long time, when anyone asked how we are doing, I have been honestly answering that we are hanging in there. We have been in 'survival mode'. I get into a lot of 'modes' in my life. Probably the most common is my 'cleaning mode'. Jordan has said several times that he feels like I am unapproachable when I am cleaning the house, I cannot be disturbed. I have had to work on setting 'cleaning mode' time slots so that if I get interrupted, I can transition into something else without being upset that I didn't finish my tasks during cleaning time. It's hard for me! Well, I am kind of in the same place with transitioning out of 'survival mode'. In fact, I feel like it would be easier at this point to use my pregnancy and having a new baby on the way as a valid excuse for remaining in 'survival mode'. The problem is that I haven't been totally approachable or in a healthy place while in this mode. Similar to 'cleaning mode', I can't stay there forever. Sure my house would be clean, but my kids would be hungry, my husband neglected, and my connection with others would be severed. In 'survival mode' I have been self centered. I have been focused on surviving. For a period of time, it was ok, even necessary as it helped my to set boundaries and priorities for the kids and myself. But I can't stay here forever. Yes, I would be surviving, but I would not be flourishing, growing, reaching, relating, and fully living. Why is stepping out of that so difficult for me? It seems like enjoying the fruit of 'cleaning mode' would consist of a sense of satisfaction a clean house, the beauty of organization (yes, I totally find beauty there), the delight of sharing it with others, and so on. Likewise, it seems the fruit of making it through 'survival mode' would be celebrating the survival, feeling the satisfaction of accomplishing what seemed impossible, and sharing it with others.
As I prayed yesterday morning, and hungrily filled myself with God's Word, I felt like he was releasing me from the identification of 'survival mode'. Sure there will still be tough things in our path, but those are just a characteristic of life, not an identity trait of mine. Instead of just being in 'survival mode', I had allowed myself to be defined by it. Changing my definition and identity is work. But, God is also giving me a tool to see this more clearly in my humanness. For 5 years I have characterized, identified, and defined a big portion of myself as a woman with pregnancy issues. After we lost Miles I felt like being identified in that way connected me to him somehow. Again in my pregnancy with Silas, during the bed rest, I was the woman with problems carrying a baby. Then we miscarried, again confirming the traits I had assigned myself. I started to get comfortable in this place of high stress pregnancies. It wasn't that I enjoyed it, or that I wanted it, but I felt like I could at least predict my feelings and it was consistent. With Jewel things started to change. Although I was on restricted activity, there was no scare of an early delivery with her. She was born at 38 weeks gestation, weighing in at 8 pounds. That is a healthy baby. Today, at 23 weeks, I watched our precious little one, safe and sound, flipping and turning and kicking and jabbing inside me. I could see this baby's facial features, the curve of the nose and the rounded little chin. I saw individual fingers fluttering around and making fists near the mouth. I watched the legs bend in and kick out, and felt the corresponding touches against my stomach. I watched the four chambers of this baby's heart pumping away and listened to the strong beat. I could feel my eyes filling with tears as I remember Miles being born during this week. It's one thing to see this happening on a TV screen, it's another things to see this baby outside of the womb, struggling and fighting for life. Miles' heart monitor was showing something completely different, and his body was not moving and kicking about. Our new baby weighs just over a pound right now, about the same as what Miles weighed when he was born. Such contrast in these little ones! I am so thankful for each one, so blessed by each one, so honored to be the mother of each one. But, in the same was that I allowed myself to be identified with Miles in his struggle, I need to allow myself to be identified with this one in it's health. My cervix is over 4 cm in length. That is totally normal and healthy! The doctors want to see any number above 2 cm, so 4 is fabulous! Even at this stage with Jewel I was already on restricted activity, and the cervical measurement had dropped from 4 cm to just over 2 cm. I know we are not out of the woods, we have a ways to go yet, but right here and now, we are healthy and kicking!
As the summertime is struggling to approach in Portland, we have these amazing days that are cloudy and rainy, followed by an evening sun break that illuminates the freshly watered earth. They are amazing. After dinner last night we walked and walked and walked through the paths by the house. Silas bulldozed through puddle after puddle, we watched a beaver eating dinner near the stream, we resisted heading back to the house even though bed times were approaching. It was just beautiful. In 'cleaning mode' and 'survival mode', it is often hard to get outside of the circumstance to appreciate where one is. This morning, God gave me a sun break. I really, really appreciated it.
vs 2
Oh Lord, be gracious to us; WE LONG FOR YOU, Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of need.
vs 5
The Lord is exalted, for he dwells on high; he will fill Zion with justice and righteousness. HE WILL BE THE SURE FOUNDATION FOR YOUR TIMES, A RICH STORE OF KNOWLEDGE AND WISDOM. The FEAR of the LORD is the key to this TREASURE.
vs 20
Look upon Zion, the city of our FESTIVAL; your eyes will see Jerusalem, a PEACEFUL abode, a tent that will not be moved, it's stakes will never be pulled up, nor any of it's ropes broken. There the LORD will be our MIGHTY ONE. It will be like a place of broad rivers and streams. No galley with oars will ride them, no mighty ship will sail them. FOR THE LORD IS OUR JUDGE, THE LORD IS OUR LAW GIVER, THE LORD IS OUR KING, IT IS HE WHO WILL SAVE US.
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