New Identity

Some of you may remember Jordan as the punk high school kid who I started dating...the bad boy type.    From the gated hills of Ventana Canyon, he wore Polo in the gangster style, rebellious..with jeans sagged to reveal his boxers.  I certainly did fall in love with that wild child.

After getting married, serious jobs at golf courses and with the PGA straightened him up a bit.  Pressed khakis and collard shirts were his every day attire.  We attended dinner parties and company functions with raised pinkies and wine glasses.  

Something happened when he shaved his head for training camp.  It was the beginning of another transformation.  He was leaving behind his dignified ways.  Moving to the farm house was like coming home for the first time for Jordan.  

What has happened from there is remarkable.  T-shirts have replaced his collars and buttons, Carhartt over Polo, jeans chosen over khaki pants, work boots instead of soft spike golf shoes.  The words "going to the range" have a totally different meaning now as ear plugs and ammo boxes have replaced divot repair tools and golf tees.  

But, even in his golfing days, his music preference had not changed from those high school days.  Even driving home from the pro shop, there was loud music shaking his windows.  

But, the final straw in the transformation happened when he brought this home...

Yes, he is truly a "country boy with a farmer's tan".  Many of you may not know that lyrical line, in fact I didn't either just a short time ago.  But the last straw of the change came when Jordan announced he had been listening to COUNTRY MUSIC!

I about fell out of my seat when he told me.  We had both loudly and proudly renounced the country twang from the early days of knowing each other.  The other shifts in identity were more gradual, actually expected as they were parallel with career changes.  But this TOTALLY caught me off guard. I have no where to file this information in my brain.  It is an identity crisis!

It is now common scene at our house pull up on a Saturday morning and see Jordan cruising around the property on his John Deere with a kid on his lap (either half dressed, in their jammies, or as pictured below...decked out in camo...but always with wild hair and dirty faces!) and country music on his ipod.

This I can handle.  In fact, I can even appreciate it.  I can't hear the music out there, and the kids love riding on the mower as much as Jordan loves driving it.  Sometimes after dinner, Jordan will take Trey our for a little drive just to get his fussy evening cries out of the kitchen for me.  I can't complain about that (I also can't get a picture of it since seeing me tends to ruin the serene mood on the tractor)!

BUT, sometimes after dinner, if the weather is bad and we are feeling a little cooped up, THIS happens, which I have to confess I just can't get into.  Thankfully, the kids' dance moves are entertaining...but I when I watch these videos I really want to mute the sound.

(They were too long to just insert into the blog, so I put them on youtube.  Trust me...it is worth clicking on it and watching.)






I would also like to say, I have NEVER taught Jewel a single dance move.  That is straight from her own inspiration.  Also, I would like to say that I HAVE tried to manipulate Jewel's wardrobe.  If you are wondering if she is wearing a swim cover with leggings and slippers...you would be right.


The truth is, even if his taste has changed.  Even if his style has changed.  Even if my kids know country lyrics.  This pretty much covers how we feel about him...no matter the exterior appearance of his identity, we know him on the inside.

And we just can't get enough.

We love him so much, we'd even listen to country music to keep him around.

As a side note, to prove that we truly are becoming a little farm, these are our goats.  We actually got them as an inheritance...someone who needed to move and then another move and then they just couldn't get back to get the goats...and we became the rightful owners.  We have actually really enjoyed them, and they do keep our field under control.  But, we have kind of a make shift pen for them, and not a ton of shelter (as we were thinking it was short term), so we are now debating if our house is the best home for them.  Either way, we took another giant step toward the country life when we brought Cinnamon and Sugar home.  It would have been an even bigger step had I taken the Jordan Bury Challenge to figure out how to get them producing milk and add goat milking to my daily chores.  I'm just not quite ready for that.

 There are a lot of things to love about cold weather.  Specifically how adorable the kids look all bundled up.  Jewel spent so much of our outside play time with a baby zipped up inside her jacket...you just can't do that in the summer time.  In the back ground of this picture you can see a blurry little Trey.  Let me just say that no one year old rocks the puffy vest and beanie like he does.  We snuggle by the fire, we have not chocolate and warm toast.  Good, good things.

BUT, we have had several weeks of the most amazing spring weather, that it has us chomping at the bit for summer time!  The layers are starting to peel off, and the sun has been warm and frequent.

 As soon as we see the sun shinning, we race outside for as long as we can.  We work in the garden, we go for walks and bike rides, we just move life out of the house.

This is the garden we planted all from seed and loved and prayed over during the cold nights and short days.

 This is transplanting those seeds out to the raised beds.  We have three raised beds of this size (probably about 4ft by 10ft) that are filled with lettuces of many kinds, sugar snap peas, various onions, tomatoes, cabbage, carrots, sweet peppers, and for fun we are trying edamame.  Beyond this, Jordan tilled a huge portion of the side property for pumpkins, tons of squash, corn, and more tomatoes and cabbage (we learned in our first go around that those puppies take up a LOT of space!).

Everywhere we go, no matter what house we live in, one of our first priorities is the sand box.  This is the third one that Jordan has built. Each time they get a little bigger.  In Hillsboro we had 2ft by 3ft.  In Beaverton we had 4ft by 8ft.  At the farm house...8ft by 8ft by 3ft. 

If we move again we'll just have to go straight to the beach.

 Here is a little perspective with my very tall six year old.

Three yards of sand...shoveled and scooped.

COUNTLESS hours of play time for all three kids.  One sunny morning Silas and Jewel went out and got very involved in a building project.  They were planning and collaberating and scheming.  I just let them.  I fed Trey lunch, put him down for his nap, worked on a few chores.  Finally, four hours later, I went to talk with them.  Neither one of them had gotten out of the sandbox or called for me once.  I offered to bring them food and water.  They were thankful for it, but not needy for it.  Although that day was a serious marathon, it is not uncommon for them to spend major chunks of time out there in building bliss.  

 Trey loves the freedom of pushing his trucks anywhere he pleases.  I have to keep a VERY close eye on this kid.  He has no fear of being alone, no fear of adventuring out, no fear of trying new things.  We've had many occasions of God's divine intervention...protecting his sweet little life.  Like Jewel, he is the silent type.  Stealthily he moves about, plotting his plans.  Whenever I discover him, with a giant smile he greets me and waves.  Trouble.

 We have had gorgeous flowers in our yard and on our walks (thank you to our unsuspecting neighbors who have annonymously donated to my flower vases via the kids' good intentions)

 I love this picture because it is total Oregon kids to be blinded by any amount of sunlight.

 And, THIS is our picnic table.  We will be eating out here for the majority of the summer with our family and anyone else who will join us for sharing in the bounty of the garden.  I found this beauty on craigs list.  It seats 12 people.  Yes, 12.  It is HUGE.  I am planning to refinish it as it needs a good sanding and staining...but for $50...solid wood seating for us and all our pals.

I know we have many rainy days ahead of us (today is particularly nasty actually), but this house is a blessing inside and out, and we cannot wait to share it in all seasons!

One of our favorite activities this winter and spring has been Awanas.  Silas attended Awanas last fall and enjoyed it, but after Christmas we transferred him to a church that is closer to our new house.  We fell in love.  Silas made fast friends with a little boy in his class, his parents are the leaders of Silas' group.  He totally took off in his verse memorization, blowing me away with multiple verses memorized each week.  Every week we looked forward to Wednesday nights.  I would drop Silas off and take either Jewel or Trey or both of them out for a special date (which, with kids that age, finishing grocery shopping with an ice cream cone constitutes as a date, so sometimes we ran errands).  

This is a video of Silas and Jewel practicing memorizing the books of the New Testament.  Check out Jewel's hair action :)  

We also enjoyed the activities associated with Awanas.  We participated in the soap box derby with the car that Jordan and Silas made together.  Silas received an award for car design, basically meaning we had to coolest looking car there (also meaning it was not the fastest...but as Jordan will tell you, it was a learning year).  Getting a trophy for this accomplishment may top Silas' list of the best days of his life.  He was SO elated to get this trophy that I was getting teary as he marched up there to receive it and shake the hand of the man who facilitated the event.  Priceless!!

We also started attending a bi-monthly play time with many of the kids from his class.  It is in the gym at the church where we attend Awanas and the kids absolutely love it.  Getting connected with this group of people also got me involved with a Bible Study at that church for just the last 6 weeks.  It was amazing and I am so thankful for all of the positive bonus things that have come from being in this program.  I guess this is the beginning of my social life being dependent on the kids' activities.  Thankfully, Silas has good taste in buddies :)

At the end of the year we went to his awards night.  He was honored for memorizing his ENTIRE book this year.  We watched as he marched up on stage, sang his Awanas song, received his ribbon, and gave us the much awaited "parent wave" and "thumbs up" from the stage.  We are incredibly proud of this growing boy!

I sat at the kitchen table with Shilo on New Year's Day.  We had only been in our new house for a night and a half, and suitcases and boxes and cousins were all around.  With coffee in hand, we planned our day together.  I had several projects and wanted her opinion and help on as I was organizing and arranging the house.

As we talked, Jewel came to me and climbed on my lap.  I kept chatting away, rubbing her arm gently. For a short moment she was okay just sitting there, but it didn't last.  

"Mom, I need to snuggle you." 

"Jewel, you are snuggling me babe.  I'm right here.  You are sitting with me."

She fidgeted and wiggled and grumphed.  

"Mom, please I hold you?"

"Jewel, I am holding you.  You are on my lap."  I pulled her closer to me and hugged her up against me.  I smiled at Shilo.  I made a comment about her need for physical affection and squeezed her a little tighter.

Then she sat up a little and looked at me, she thought for a short second.

"Mom, no.  I need to snuggle you right here."  She stretched my t-shirt towards my shoulders and put her little cheek against the skin on my chest.  Almost immediately I felt her little body relax against me. She wrapped her arms around me and gave a content and peaceful sigh.  She stayed there the whole time we talked.

Jewel was recognizing in herself the need to be grounded, centered, brought back to safety.  There had been a lot of chaos over the last several weeks.  Before being ready to start life in another new place, she needed something.  

As an adult I find it harder to recognize that need.  Well, I guess I recognize it, but I feel silly identifying it and addressing it.  I am a secure and mature person, I can handle a fair amount of chaos and transition and adjusting.  I know how to cope with tough things.  

We utilized a lot of coping strategies in the last five months in order to sort through the transitions and adjusting and chaos.  We opted out of most of our commitments.  We greatly reduced our activity calendar from what we are used to.  We engaged in projects around the house and invested in time with one another.  Those are all coping strategies, and healthy ones (for a time), but that was not what brought me through the transition.  

I feel like I have spent the last four months on God's lap.  I chose not to attend an organized Bible Study, but have been working through the second half of Genesis on my own through the book we started at Jenn's church last fall.  Like Jewel, I came to God with a recognized need.  

"God, I need you"

"Sommer, I am right here."

"God, I am worried about defining myself"

"Sommer, I am your truth, I am right here."

"God, what about homeschooling?"

"Sommer, I know your heart.  I am right here.  I am holding you."

"God, what about my arthritis?"

"Sommer, I created your body, I am the author of your personal story, trust me.  I am right here."

"God, I am unsettled.  What is next for us?  How long are we staying?  How much do I invest?"

"Sommer, snuggle me."

Then, a few weeks ago at church, our Pastor shared this verse:

But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother;like a weaned child I am content.

Psalm 131:2

In each of the unsettling things on my heart, God spoke to me.  He did not give me "answers" in the fashion that I thought I was looking for.  He gave me more truth about himself.  I found that as time went on, I wasn't coming as often because of my uncertainty or my fear, but just coming to have time with him.  It started to change from wiggling around on his lap and fidgeting, to looking forward to the time to just be together.  

I think what was so precious to me about Jewel coming to me in the way that she did, was that she is weaned.  She is not an infant looking for nutrients just to survive.  She is beyond that, more mature than that.  But she recognized in her heart that being close to me and touching me was her source of contentment.  She did not ask me questions or seek clarification on our circumstances or even want me to give her assurances to make her feel better.  She just knew she needed me.  I am glad she didn't ask, because I would not have been able to explain to her in terms that she could grasp or understand, exactly what was going on.  I cannot give her answers as to how long we will be here or what our time will be like.  But, I can always offer her my skin to skin time...she gets that.  

Oh yes, because what is the context of this verse?

My heart is not proud, Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.

Psalm 131:1

Like Jewel, neither can I  understand or comprehend or figure out all of my circumstances and situations.  God cannot unveil his will for those things in a way that makes sense to me.  But, he can always offer me more of himself.