Over the weekend, we had the most incredible northwest weather.  The sun was bright and warm, the sky was big and blue, the clouds were sparse and only there for decoration, adding depth and texture to the sky with no threat of rain or gloom.  It was truly magnificent.  Later this week we will return to our spring rain.  Yesterday was a transitional day.  There were breaks of gorgeous sun, moments of dark clouds, a sudden cold breeze, and then the warming rays on your back.  It was fitting for my mood.

We've had an eventful and fun last two weeks.  We spent three days at the beach with friends, we had Jordan's mom here for almost 5 days, and Shilo and her 4 kids plus Aunt Kate stayed for a night on their way down to California.  We had birthday parties, play dates and an awesome Easter.  Sunday night I was restless and had strange dreams and couldn't wake up in the morning.  Somehow it seems my body was preparing for a day of grief.

He would have been 7 yesterday.  I spent the morning making trips to pick up sand for our sandbox and wondered what it would have been like to make this huge sandbox his birthday present.  I sent Jordan a text.  It is hard for me to have him gone to work all day while my mind and heart whip around from one emotion to the next.  He told me that Miles probably has a sandbox the size of Texas in heaven.  I smiled.  Then cried.  Hard.

Sometimes when I think about him I think of just the overview of the day.  The magnitude of all that happened makes it hard to isolate events, and the emotion comes mostly at the overwhelming amount of things that happened in 24 hours.  It started so unexpectedly and then was over in such a final and painful way so, so quickly.

But yesterday I kept getting specific images in my heart.  I felt his tiny little body against my chest and I could remember the detail of his delicate fingers draped over mine.  I could hear myself singing to him.

You gave me heart

and you gave me a smile

you gave me Jesus

and you made me your child

and I just thank you Father for making me, me

I remember making it to the children's hospital.  He arrived before us and was in the NICU attached to all the machines.  The day was still early and the room was bright with sun.  There was so much hope for a recovery.  I so clearly remember sitting next to his bed for hours that day.  My extended family came and went.  Uncle Cliff hugged me, he stretched his hands out over Miles' bed and prayed a silent prayer.  I am confident that the prayer was as tangible and comforting to Miles and the hug was for me. Aunt Kate sang.  Oh, the sound of her voice in my ears.  

Jesus loves the little ones like Miles

Jesus loves the little ones like Miles

Little ones like Miles, little ones like Miles...

My mom never left his bed.  She brought her book and her notebook, when we were told to go and rest she sat with him.  Just to be there for us.  In my picture memory I am walking back into the NICU and she is just relaxing and waiting.  When she sees me she turns and smiles, glasses on her nose, book in her hand.  There was this much needed, quiet confidence and faith about her.  I vividly remember thinking that I would not be able to survive when she left.

I remember the light of the day fading away from the room.  I remember the talk with the doctor that he wasn't responding the the medicine.  I remember things all of a sudden feeling so artificial.  The florecent lights, the sound of the breathing machine, the temporary divider they put around us as though we were alone with our son.  

I remember them taking off the tubes and needles and walking through the hospital with him and taking him to the room where we held him until he was 'officially' with Jesus.  I feel mad about it.  It was not a sweet goodbye.  The doctor kept coming in and checking his heart beat.  We just cried and waited.  Then we went home.  Truly.  It was dark and cold and we just got in the car and drove home.  Jordan and I smoked a cigarette.  Or maybe several.  I remember walking through the parking lot to the car, Jordan just in front of me, hospital bag over his shoulder.  Done.  

I also remember the people.  The doctor who delivered him.  She sat on my bed and held my hand.  "Your water broke, so we have to deliver the baby.  He is right on the dividing line of when we even attempt to save them.  We will do all we can.  This is going to be a hard day."  

The nurse who took care of me after he was born.  She told me the story of her miracle baby and walked around collecting cash for us to take to the children's hospital with us.  "You won't want to leave," she told me as she tucked the money into my bag, "you will need this for vending machines and coffees."  Then she prayed for me.  

The nurse in the NICU had her own Miles at home.  She cared for mine with a sober awareness and connectedness.  

Jordan's mom cooked, and made sandwiches, and cleaned.  She prayed...I know she prayed.  

My dad.  He came after it was all over.  He did the hard work.  He told the family what was going on. Where do we call for a funeral?  Where could we have a service?  What has to be done between the hospital and the burial grounds?  He put together a slide show of the few pictures we had.  He led the service.  In fact I don't even know all the things he did for us in those first few days.  I am sure it is far more than I was aware of.  

Beyond the day of his life, there were after moments that I thought of yesterday with great thankfulness.  The following August we were in Spokane for a reunion.  My dad and Jordan couldn't make it because of work and my cousin, Tasha, who had lived with us for several years while we were both in high school, was there while her husband was serving overseas.  Each family takes a turn to share what is going on and have the rest of the extended family pray for them.  My mom spoke for us three girls.  We could barely talk through our shakes of crying sobs.  My cousin, Jasmine, is married to a very strong and Godly man.  He came up to us, put a gentle but firm hand on my shoulder, and called out for God's comfort.  

That year on Mother's day I got a lot of calls.  A lot of people remembered me and prayed me through what could have been a horribly difficult day.  Their prayers changed that.  On Father's Day, my cousin Jean remembered Jordan.  She sent an email of heart felt prayers.  

Throughout the years I have had a handful of people who make his birthday real to me.  

This year there was a new kind of sweetness.  Jordan and I shared the day in a way we have not ever been able to before.  He was sad in a noticeable, shareable, connected with me, kind of way.  So we shared openly and deeply and with reality.  We both have to struggle through truths that we know and we want to believe, but that are so hard to understand.  

Today I feel emotionally hung over.  I spent yesterday doing what any Dutch woman in my position would do and I shoveled 2 yards of sand into our new sand box.  I didn't touch any of my normal stuff, dishes, laundry, floors...gross.  We had left overs and mac n cheese for dinner.  This morning I woke up to the reprocussions of that.  Dishes, laundry, and dirty floors.  But, I got out of bed before the kids and had my quiet time.  I made oatmeal for breakfast.  I let the kids watch a show and got the dishes and floors done.  I will keep working through the laundry.  I cried while I wrote this.  I am choosing sitting in the sun watching the kids race around on their powerwheels instead of cooking, so dinner will be another mish mash of fridge remnants.  

Tonight my mom and dad come.  I am not prepared with groceries and a meal plan.  But, my heart is prepared for conversation and hearing truth and being loved on...as only a mom and dad can do.

The Dentist...GULP

Last week, Silas and Jewel had dental appointments.  Silas has been once before, but this was Jewel's first rodeo.  I was by myself with all three of them, and was literally bracing myself for a bucking bronco kind of day.  I picked a place that is totally geared toward kids.  Toys and colorful posters everywhere you look, promise of great prizes, and the kicker...movies playing on the ceiling during the check up.

When we got to the office, Silas was helping Jewel get out of her car seat.  In total Jewel fashion, she grabbed his hand and very tenderly says, "I love you, Silas".  He tells her he loves her too, but it is too nonchalant for her so she repeats herself louder adding that she loves him MORE.  He stops at the door to the suburban and gets tender right back.  "Jewel, you have a Father in heaven who loves you even more.  Save some love for him, K?"

I can't help but just smile at these interactions.  They make my day.

Silas went first.  He was a total champ.  He went by himself with the assistant to have his xrays taken.  Came back and climbed right up on the chair, put on the glasses and barely moved while she cleaned his teeth (it must have been a good show).  We joked that she could probably extract all of his teeth and he wouldn't notice.

Jewel watched the whole time and when he was done she followed suit and did the same thing.  Got right up in the chair, let them check and clean her teeth with hardly a wiggle.  (She must have also liked the show, but it helped that Silas stood next to her and held her hand the whole time...and he couldn't even see the show from there)

 Then she went and had her xray done as well.  No problems.

I was feeling SO proud.  After they were all done the dentist came over to look in their mouths and give me the 'consultation'.  She very sweetly and kindly told me that Silas has small cavities between all of the teeth in the back of his mouth.  The top, bottom, right and left sides.  The cavities are small, but they should be taken care of.  There are 8 in all.  Jewel has one cavity that is next to a bit of a dip in her gums so food is getting caught there.  She also needs to have it taken care of.  So, see you and all of your money and your doped up kids for three more visits.  Thanks for coming!

I was literally speechless!  I did not know what to say.  We were doing so great, I was just completely caught off guard.  I felt so neglectful as a parent.  What a failure!!  

Thankfully their behavior was so fantastic, otherwise I do not think I would have recovered.  Remember that Mother of the Year Award?  I forfeit.  

The only kid who cried at the dentist was the one who didn't have to sit in the chair at all.  In fact, sitting is the problem.  He can't do it.  So, he was standing on the bench trying to look out the window and did a head first dive onto the floor.  He gave himself a huge egg on the forehead.  Nice and bright red for all to see.  He didn't cry long, but he did cry.  

But seriously, who can be mad at this kid.  Look at him.  He has a bellybutton for goodness sake.

The dentist here has no idea what she will be getting into when this one cracks a smile for her.  Two missing teeth and a thumb sucking addiction of which she has NEVER seen the likes.

 When we got home we looked through our goody bags and decided that the dentist is a pretty cool place.  Clearly they have no idea what a cavity is or what needs to be done to it.  Apparently they will be doped with gas during the appointment anyway, so I don't think I will tell them right now.  We all smiled our nice clean smiles.

 And Silas went straight to work with his new toothbrush and toothpaste.  It actually kills me that he is the one with the cavities because he rarely eats sweets and is very faithful with brushing.  Apparently I have not been on the flossing train long enough...sorry buddy.

 I smooch all over them, decayed teeth and all.

 They squeeze on me, clearly unscathed by my lack of teeth cleaning ability.

I must confess that I have had my fare share of dental work myself and I have heard that a lot of it is just genetic.  However, Jordan goes to the dentist next month for the first time in an undiscloseable amount of time.  I intend on getting a baby sitter and going with to document with pictures hold his hand.

It's just what happens around here...

Our magical front porch

No matter what is going on, if it happens on a white, wrap around porch, it becomes magical.  This is just a Saturday snack.  But, the three of them, hanging out together, snacking together, on the front porch...magical.  

I love that I can let them all go out there to play while Jordan is working on projects and I am inside.  If something happens, Silas is totally responsible to either take care of it himself or come and get me.  Six is a great age so far.

oops!  He saw me :)

Trey is becoming a true farm boy (much to Jordan's pleasure as you can see in the background of this photo).  From bed to breakfast to outside with boys, no time to get dressed, boots and jacket over the jammies.  Dirt from head to toe.  

Jewel on the other hand, she makes magic no matter where she is.  No serene setting needed.  This is double magic.

THE house

When Jordan was going through his training and the kids and I were in Arizona, I spent countless hours on Craigs List looking for a house for us to rent when we got back to Oregon.  Nothing quite fit the vision I felt like God had given me in my heart.  I felt like I had seen a house, up on a hill, with a beam of sunshine lighting it up, making it glow in comparison to the rest of Portland (which, if you haven't heard, can sometimes be a little dreary).  I prayed and prayed that God would help us to be able to find the house and that he would make it a place of refuge and rejuvenation for all who came there.  

The house we ended up in was a great house for us.  We really enjoyed our time there.  But, it was not the house on the hill.  We also only lived there for six months before moving back to our Hillsboro house to refinance.

When the house search began again, I still had the vision in my mind, but I started feeling like it was more of a metaphorical vision.  I coached myself into thinking that no matter where we were, God would use our house and fill it with HIS light.  We still never found a place to go.  Then God moved us to Jenn's.  

When we began the house search AGAIN (yes, you are reading this right, it would be our fifth move in two years), I was somewhat resigned.  Jordan and I were back to wondering how his need for space and my need for community would ever find each other.  I let him do the looking, mostly praying that God would spare me from living in Vernonia (very cheap living, very far from "life").  

One day Jordan mentioned that he had seen an ad on Craigs List and he knew I would love it.  He was hesitant to show it to me because it wasn't what he had in mind to love.  The property wasn't quite as big as he was wanting, it was too close to other houses, it wasn't far enough away from the city...but it was a really cool old farm house.  My curiosity was eating me alive so I asked to see it.  He was right.  

From the time he showed me the ad until we agreed to rent it was a long journey of us letting go of what we felt like we wanted, and asking God to show us what he wanted.  I first went to see it one afternoon with Silas while Jordan was working and the littles were napping at Jenn's.  On a cold week in November we drove across town and up the hill.  When my GPS told me 'you have arrived', it was totally right.  There in a magnificent beam of sunlight, up at the top of the West Hills of Portland, we saw this...

I was swept off my feet.  There was a lot that happened between that day and signing the rental agreement.  God had to help me hold the house loosely, reminding me that he would do the providing.  God had to help Jordan hold his plans loosely, reminding him that he could meet his needs.  In a major leap of love and faith, Jordan signed rental papers without ever seeing the inside of the house (we went there one day, but didn't meet the landlord there so we just walked the perimeter...it was so rainy and windy and cold we didn't take the kids out of the car.  He did not get the same first impression that I did.  And he STILL was willing to do it!)

Although I moved a lot of things over and we unpacked our POD before Christmas, we never slept there until we got back from Arizona.  December 30th was our first night in the house.  We are both growing to love it more and more every day.  

Let me give you a little tour.  

If you came to the house today, you may have ridden here in our big red suburban.  Then we would walk between the garage and the house and up the side stairs to the back deck.  The door to the mudroom is off the deck, so this is what you would see when you came in with the kids and I through the laundry room/mudroom door.

We kick our shoes into bins on the floor and toss mittens into our baskets, hanging our jackets opposite the washer and dryer.

Then we walk into the kitchen and dining area.  This morning, all the kids are still asleep and the house is clean since I had the wives of Jordan's co-workers over yesterday.  The morning fog is still over the hill, so there is a very Narnia kind of feel throughout the property and the house.

(back toward the mudroom from the middle of the kitchen/dining area)

This is what we see out the sliding door when we sit at the kitchen table.  I just had my morning devotions in this setting, with the fire crackling behind me in the wood stove and my coffee steaming hot while I read.

Outside the doors you can see the fog settled over our back trees and yard.  It makes us feel like we are the only people on the hill when we wake up like this.

Back in the house, if I turn around from the kitchen area and head toward the front door, the bathroom is on my left.  Through a small hallway and past the standing shower is the rest of the bathroom.

Then I can continue walking through the doorway and into the piano parlor (which is the nook in the front entrance that fits our piano PERFECTLY).  The stairs are on my left and the front door is right in front of me.

If I open the front door, this is the view to the front deck and yard.

The deck wraps around, this is the side of the house and the picnic table is right outside a door that leads back into the kitchen (not the slider, just a side door.  And the table is a 12 seating picnic table that is waiting here under the porch for the spring when it will move to the back deck and host a million BBQ dinners).

If I go back in through the front door, the playroom is at my immediate right, at the bottom of the stairs.

At the top of the stairs is the 2nd bathroom.  This is the only upstairs bathroom (no master bath).  It is small, but we actually all use it with no space problems.  

But, now the boys are getting up.  I get them their milk and we watch the sun start to push back the fog.

This is Trey's room.  It is at the top of the stairs, just to the left of the bathroom.  It is a big room, and I used the curtains I already had (which happened to ALL be white).  So, I am planning an art project for when my mom comes up, to help add some color to the room.  His windows look out to the back yard and the side yard.  Mostly trees and green grass.

Jewel is still sleeping, so we go to Silas' room next.  He is down the hall from Trey, making his room overlook the garage and garden on the west side and the front yard on the north side.

I also have big plans to make this room (with it's two twin beds) into a cool boy room.  Right now the bedding is grey stripes, I have ideas to bring color in through the window coverings and wall decor.  It takes a while to get there :)

Facing out of Silas' room is the door to the attic on the right, the window facing the front yard on the left, and our room straight across the hall.

This is our room.  We look out over the front yard and the side yard (I LOVE that there are two windows in every bedroom.  LOVE).  We love laying in bed on Saturday mornings with the light coming in and we can see out the widows from the bed.  

If you open the door to the attic, these are the stairs leading to what is actually our 4th floor (since we have a basement also).

To the left is our future wii and movie area.

To the right is the kids' play area, and the rock wall that Jordan just built for them.  So, yes, they are literally climbing the walls around here :)

The attic is hard to really grasp without seeing in person.  It is unfinished, so all the strange fabric and plastic over the walls covers insulation, but not all of it.  We are making the best of it without putting too much money into it.  Right now the kids are up there all the time making train tracks, playing cars, sliding and climbing the walls or hanging on the rings.  Rainy days...you got nothin' on us!

While we are waiting for Jewel to wake up, I take the boys downstairs for breakfast.  Now the kitchen and dining area are flooded with morning light.  This is where I spend most of my day.  Ahhhhhh.  (The white door is the one that leads to the side deck where we keep the table and bbq for now)

Back to the front door (sorry for the out of order!), the piano would be right in front of me, in the hallway leading to the kitchen, the stairs just off to the right, and the playroom to my direct right.  To the direct left is the living room.  The window seat is also storage for big blankets and pillows.

Still working on this, planning to put poster size photographs behind these window frames.  Those are my Dutch shoes on the floor by our basket of slippers.

This is the front door from the inside of the house.

So you can see that the living room opens to the dining room which connects to the kitchen and then the hallway back to the front door makes for a big circle.

Now the back deck in the light.  The trees in the back half of the property, and just beyond that (and a neighborhood we pretend isn't there) is the city of Beaverton and Hillsboro.

These are our garden beds for all our small veggies.  We started our seedlings inside this week and are already seeing sprouts.  Just past the beds we will do larger growing items like squash and corn.  

Sweet Jewel finally joins us, and this is her room.  It is at the top of the stairs, just to the right of the bathroom.  She keeps the pac n play set up in here for her baby dolls.  It is also nice for when my friends with their little babes are over during nap times.

This is the first time Jewel has had her own room.  I love this room and all it's sweet touches and feminine looks.

Jewel has the best views in the house.  At night, just past the trees, are all the city lights.  She looks out over the back yard on the south side of her room and the garden on the west side of her room.

Now I am out by the street, facing the house.  Just east of the house is this old barn (hard to see with the sun behind it).  Sadly it is not safe for us to use as there is a hole in the roof and the rain has destroyed it's strength.  But, it still looks awesome.

And then we are back to the front of the house, the garage to the right (with the suburban in front) and the road right behind me.  

When we way that we want to host, we really do.  When we say we want you to come and stay, we really do.  When we invite you over for dinner, we can't wait to have you.  When we say that God has blessed us beyond our wildest dreams...HE HAS!

Did I mention the house is 12 minutes from our church, 15 minutes from most of my friends, and 20 minutes to Jordan's office?  Did I mention we were up on the hill?  Did you see the beam of sunlight?  Did I say we just picked the spot for the sandbox, hung a swing in the back tree, got a riding lawnmower, and started our garden?

I don't know how long we can stay here, but if Jesus comes back while we are in this house, we would be thrilled.