Oh man

Just when I think life can't get any busier, we add crawling and solid food.  The crawling video is a week or so old, he has since learned how to pick his knees up more and has increased speed and distance.  I can no longer video him because if I turn my back for one minute to grab my camera, something is sure to go wrong.  Legos in the mouth, electrical cords are discovered, someone's snack crackers, heading toward to fire place.  Last week I brought the vacuum into the room and then went to go help Silas brush the sand off his feet at the back door.  Trey made haste to the vacuum, grabbed the cord and pulled the entire vacuum down on his head.  A bright red crash mark and a few tears later...he's back on the road.  

Solid food is usually just tough to add because it is time consuming.  It is tricky to cut food for Jewel, get Silas' seconds, all in between getting bites of food into the baby's mouth.  However, it is much more difficult if the food serves as a flavoring for the thumb.  Between nearly every bite, Trey has to get his thumb back into his mouth.  Little stinker :)

Every stage brings new excitement and fun with each kid.  These are just a few of my current favorites.  The pictures and videos don't necessarily go with the story, but, what's a blog post without pictures of my cute kids?

Jewel packs a lot of life into each day.  This is a video of her practicing chewing gum.  The picture is of her in her car seat, where she now asks to have her baby buckled in with her.  Also, in the bathtub a couple days ago, where she found Silas' goggles.  Just plain cuteness.  There is little down time with this busy girl, so bed times are critical for winding down and relaxing to prepare for sleep.  She needs a lot of snuggling.  There is no doubt that physical touch is her love language.  Right now, after we read books, sing songs, pray, and talk together, she just needs to be close to whomever is tucking her into bed that night.  She grabs me (or Jordan), one hand on either side of my head, and pulls me in until we are cheek to cheek.  Then she just holds my head there.  She makes these soft, humming noises...almost like what you hear when you plug in an electronic device and it starts charging.  In fact, I think that's exactly what she's doing.  Getting her fill.  When she's done, she'll slowly push my head back and then just stroke my cheek and rub my arms, of course I do the same to her.  Each night I try to close my eyes and memorize the smell of her skin, the sound of her hums, the feel of her sleepy breaths on my neck, and the closeness that she wants with me.  

Trey may be our family comedian.  This little guys is just looking for opportunities to flash his double toothed smile and share his giggle.  This picture is a family tradition (for some reason my living room is always too dark to not use a flash and then the flash makes these harsh shadows...ugh) of babies standing on their daddy's hand.  The video is his giggle.  Sometimes, because life gets busy, Trey gets a late start on nap or bed times.  I doesn't show it in fussiness, or crankiness, I don't know it until we get into his room.  With lights off, blanket all snugged around us, slightly cradled, cheek against my chest...and he gets the giggles.  Not just a little bit of giggles, the kind of belly laugh where he's shaking with laughter but no noise is coming out until he stops to catch his breath and start again.  Of course, there is no way to not join in with him.  Pretty soon there is nothing sleepy about nap time, we are both cracking up at each other.  This makes it very hard to get relaxed for bed.  I try to put him up over my shoulder and regain composure.  He'll lay his head down and suck his thumb for a minute, then pop up and look at me, the giggles start again.  Then he wants to grab my face and give me wide open mouth kisses.  He finds that very funny to do...more laughing.  Bed time can take MUCH longer this way...but it is so, incredibly worth it.

Silas is, by far, the most tender hearted big brother I have ever seen.  He is so intentional with Jewel, gentle with Trey, and a servant leader...helping at every opportunity.  This is us waiting for the train a few weekends ago, he had his eye on Jewel the entire time we were near the tracks, getting on and off the train, and while sitting on the train together.  The video is him with his gear.  He is very proud of his dad, making him very interested in 'weaponry' and badges.  The second video is him on the rings that hang in the kids' room.  He is getting so creative in trying lots of new stunts.  He wants to do things that no one has done before.  The other video I took of him on the rings is at least 10 minutes long because he was insistent that he had just 'one more trick'.  So, this is the latest stunt, just once :)  Silas is so contemplative.  While we were driving down the freeway last week, he gives me this little glimpse:

"Mom, I don't know all the people driving on the road.  I hardly know any of them.  They might live close to here or maybe far away because freeways go a really long way.  They might have just gotten on the road or they've been on it for a long time.  Some of the people are driving to work, or to home, or to visit friends.  But, I don't know them.  I bet they are thinking about me, too.  They are probably all thinking the same thing I am thinking.  Do you think so, Mom?"

I treasure each conversation we have.  I wish I could record more of them.  This is the beginning of a precious relationship with my big boy.

to an unknown God

Acts 17:22-28

New International Version (NIV)

 ²² Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: “People of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. ²³ For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: TO AN UNKNOWN GOD. So you are ignorant of the very thing you worship—and this is what I am going to proclaim to you.

 ²⁴ “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. ²⁵ And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. ²⁶ From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. ²⁷ God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ²⁸ ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’^[a] As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’^[b]

Yesterday was Miles' birthday.  In many ways, to an outsider, it was just a regular Sunday.  We got up and rushed around getting off to church on time, had lunch with friends after, all took long naps, a walk and a drive after dinner, kids tucked into bed and preparation for the week.  But I was somehow less present and more present at the same time.  I felt less present as though everything around me was just happening despite me.  It feels horrible to be lost in the thoughts of your baby in heaven while everything around you feels so normal and routine.  And yet, as I watched the daily events, I felt a heightened and acute awareness of each detail.  Every interaction, every song sung, every word preached, every conversation that took place was under the scrutiny of a heart focused on heaven in an intense, non-routine, kind of way.  I have been feeling the struggle of experiencing joy and satisfaction here on earth when my soul is being fashioned for heaven, but all weekend and specifically yesterday, I was less 'at home' here on earth than usual.  

This Sunday was also Palm Sunday, the beginning of the Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem.  The pastor brought up the above verses from Acts 17 in his sermon.  I have been thinking and praying about them, in my removed state of mind, for the last 24 hours.  Paul was in Athens, preaching to the people there about needing to get rid of their idols and serve God.  He notes that they even have an altar to an idol 'TO AN UNKNOWN GOD'.  The Athenians were trying to have all their bases covered, making altars to every idol in every area of life, and incase they missed one area they made a generic altar as well.  But it struck my heart deeply as I sat in church with a lot of Christian people.  How many of us are serving an 'UNKNOWN GOD'?

We know his Name.  We know key Bible verses and song lyrics.  We can share facts and stories that have happened to other people that are evidences of his character.  But perhaps to us personally, he is unknown.  In fact, I have to confess that I often feel this way.  I am so limited by my earthly restraints.  I long to know him, but my finite thinking traps me.  I can get glimpses and tastes, but it really just makes me want more and I know that on this side of heaven there will always be a part of him that is unknown to me.  Am I living in ignorance of the very God I worship?

Our culture has become so saturated with God-like terms.  Specifically as Eater approaches I think about the message that will be given in churches across the world in less than a week.  It's pretty predictable, even if you've never been in a church service.  God made man, we sinned and brought death into the world, God sent his Son to earth to save us, he died on the cross for our sins and was raised up on the third day and ascended into heaven to make a way for us to stand clean before God and have eternity in heaven with him.  The facts are remarkable, so why is it that this story can fall on so many ears and still have no lasting impression?  This God is still unknown to so many.  Even those who proclaim his name.

It is easy to emphasize 'sin' in the Easter story.  It is a key element, but how is it defined?  I think most commonly it is thought of, in the way we explain it to our kids, the naughty things we do.  Our poor motives, our selfish decisions, cutting corners here and there, slighting others to promote our agenda, and so on.  We do all of those things, and we do need to be saved from those things, but there is more.  There is a dissatisfaction in me.  Something that just doesn't seem right, or complete, or filling.

We are made for heaven.  We are made for holiness.  We are made to be in perfect communion with God.  We are made for eternal worship and relationship.

We can't help but try for those things on earth, in or out of the confines of traditional Christianity.  We try to make things 'right', do things 'right', grow in the 'right way' from our experiences.  But we just can't quite get there.  Even the 'right' things that happen don't fully satisfy us.  We are left longing for something, aching for something, even a dull ache or quiet wonder, for an 'UNKNOWN'.  There are reflections of Him here...marriage, having children, loving and caring for others, church, friendships...but they are only earthly reflections so they are broken and they disappoint.  How easy to think 'I can't be looking for God, these things that proclaim him are also not totally satisfying to me.'  And so the search goes on.

But Easter is not just about the bad things we do, it is about this longing and hoping and searching and dissatisfaction...all based around this 'UNKNOWN'.

Isaiah 59:14-15

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁴ So justice is driven back,
   and righteousness stands at a distance;
truth has stumbled in the streets,
   honesty cannot enter.
¹⁵ Truth is nowhere to be found,
   and whoever shuns evil becomes a prey.

This is where I live.  People are fighting for justice but it is a loosing battle.  There is a longing for righteousness but it always seems out of reach.  Where is truth?  It is being debated among every one I know, but it cannot be found.  It is dissatisfying and exhausting to clamor for more in this atmosphere.

Isaiah 59:15-20

New International Version (NIV)

   The LORD looked and was displeased
   that there was no justice.
¹⁶ He saw that there was no one,
   he was appalled that there was no one to intervene;
so his own arm achieved salvation for him,
   and his own righteousness sustained him.
¹⁷ He put on righteousness as his breastplate,
   and the helmet of salvation on his head;
he put on the garments of vengeance
   and wrapped himself in zeal as in a cloak.
¹⁸ According to what they have done,
   so will he repay
wrath to his enemies
   and retribution to his foes;
   he will repay the islands their due.
¹⁹ From the west, people will fear the name of the LORD,
   and from the rising of the sun, they will revere his glory.
For he will come like a pent-up flood
   that the breath of the LORD drives along.^[a]

 ²⁰ “The Redeemer will come to Zion,
   to those in Jacob who repent of their sins,”
            declares the LORD.

He came first to die on the cross, to acknowledge that sin was saturating the world and that the world could not turn from it on it's own.  He was displeased that there was no justice, no one to stand in the gap for his children, no one to advocate for their longing, no one to stick up for them and protect them.  So, he took matters into his own hands, literally.  He sent salvation in the form of his Son.  He was clothed with God's armor, and he came to fight...for us.  And when he died on the cross that day, he defeated sin.  He took our punishment.  

But that was not the end.  It wasn't just to cleanse us of sin.  It wasn't just to take our punishment or to make us feel better about our good standing before God.  He also rose from the grave.  He came back to life.  After the sins were gone, he came back.  He didn't just come back as a spectacle, to prove his power.  He came back to see his friends, to tend to them, to show them he is good for his word, to show them the holes in his hands as evidence of his love for them.

He came back for the relationship, the comfort, the connection, the healing, the invitation to eternity.  Our sins are a result of our broken hearts.  We sin in protection of ourselves because we bought the lie that He doesn't love us enough to take care of us.  We believed Satan when he said God can't be trusted.  Now that our sin is on the cross, and paid for, he comes back to win our hearts.  Once we have been wiped clean and accepted his gift of forgiveness, we are ready to enter into relationship with him, our hearts are softened to his voice, we can see who we truly are and a piece of who he truly is.  Instead of hearing the lie, we begin to grasp the truth.  And so the relationship with the 'UNKNOWN' begins.  Slowly we start to get to know him.  It is no longer through the lens of someone else's experience or point of view.  We get to know him ourselves.  

Philippians 1:21-26

New International Version (NIV)

²¹ For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. ²² If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!²³ I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; ²⁴ but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. ²⁵Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, ²⁶ so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.

When we enter into relationship with him, being filled with his gift of his Spirit, tasting the feast that awaits us in heaven, the wholeness and fullness that we will be given on the day of his return, the depth of his true love, the sweetness of his certain voice, the comfort of his reassuring hand...we truly start to long for him.  The longing is so real and tangible that there is a battle within our hearts...to live is Christ, to die is gain.  We are torn between the two!  But, here we are now, living in this place, as God has arranged for us to do.  So we pour out ourselves to those around us, praying that they can catch a taste, that they would enter into relationship, begin the journey towards eternity, being filled with his comfort and love through his Spirit.

All of my children are a tangible expression of God's love for me.  I kept Trey with me again this week, wrapping him up and letting him sleep against my chest during the service.  Tears dripped down my cheeks on and off throughout the worship and sermon.  I do not see any one of my kids as a replacement for Miles, but when I am given the gift of cradling this baby in my arms, it reminds me of the gifts waiting for me in heaven.  The reasons why God took Miles in the way that he did are still part of the unknown for me.  But, using him to draw my heart and my eyes to heaven in a whole new way has been one taste of the redemption of my loss.  

Lord, thank you for tending to your children, for caring for the things that weigh heavy on their hearts, for cleansing us from our sins and coming back to begin us on a journey of a loving and personal relationship with you.  Thank you for giving us your Spirit, to dwell inside our hearts and remind us of who we are in you, and to be our comfort on this road to heaven.  We long for you.  We long for you.

siblings

So thankful for the relationships forming between these siblings.

Irresistible

This little girl makes me so full of joy and amazement.  Love her so much.  Overwhelmed by my love for her.

Picture Wall Grammy?

Rarely can you catch this kid without a smile.  

I wish that pictures could also let the onlooker feel the softness and smell the sweetness.  This little boy is a dream come true.  

We just had his 6 month check up.  Aside from wowing the doctor with a big grin, he showed off two teeth, wriggled himself all over the doctor's table, and weighing in at 16 pounds he is in the 25th percentile for weight and 50th percentile for height.  He is healthy as can be and just pure delight.

Prior to six months, day to day life was kind of a free for all.  Nap a little here, eat a little there, play some over here...we are finally settling into a more predictable day.  Without my help, or encouragement, he has decided that night time sleep is nice and is consistently sleeping 7:30pm to 7:30am without a peep.  So, he wakes, happily talking until either one of the kids or myself goes in to greet him.  He nurses and then we head down stairs for breakfast.  He is enjoying solid food and eats mashed bananas, pears, and oatmeal for breakfast.  By 9 he is ready for his 1st nap.  We turn off the lights and he knows the plan.  Rarely a fuss, he lays his head down on my shoulder, thumb in his mouth, and we just snuggle.  Usually he falls asleep on my, but if I have to scoot out to help a sibling, he is sad only for a moment in his bed before finding his thumb again and dozing off.  Typically this nap is about an hour and a half.  

When he wakes up we try to have some kind of outing.  So we push the second nap until 1 or 1:30.  Same kind of routine as the morning and then he sacks out until 4 or 4:30.  The evenings are a little tricky.  He spends time in the exersaucer, or closer to me in the kitchen, just sitting in the high chair, but his favorite thing is to be on the floor rolling, scooting and recently getting up on all fours to crawl.  

We all enjoy having him at the table with us during dinner.  Big smiles and happy sounds adding to the atmosphere are welcome.

But, nothing beats hiding away with him at the end of the day.  I share my attention all day, but at night I take my time, staying in the room until he is sound asleep and my arms are full of cuddles.  

And even in his sleep, there is that precious little smile.

Snow Day

We keep thinking we've had our 'last snow day'...but, we've had another!

The snow brings out something special in all of us.  For me, it brings out my inner Eskimo.  I tucked Trey inside my jacket, put a hat on my head and took my little munchkins out to play.  

It brings out the arctic wolf pup in Silas (don't know how that got in him, but it does come out).  He could not get enough of the snow.  First he made snow balls, then he crawled through the snow, then he ate the snow, finally he rolled down all the snow hills.  By the time we left he was soaked from head to toe.  But, he never complained once about being cold, and he was very sad as we drove down the mountain and the snow near our house had all melted.

It brings out the polar bear cubs in Jewel and Trey.  Jewel walked for about 5 minutes, and asked for the stroller.  I wrapped her up in the blanket, snuggled her up tight, and in a moment she was out.  She slept for over an hour in the freezing cold.  Trey wasn't far behind, all warm and cozy inside my jacket, deep heavy sighs were soon to follow.

Uncle Everett took a super quick break from work to join us.  Obviously the snow brings out the 'super cool' in him...his nephews and niece certainly think so...ok, his sister does, too.

There may be nothing in the world cuter than this little pumpkin in her snow gear.  Or any gear for that matter...precious as can be!!