Fill Your Table, Oh Lord

In all of our moving around and life changes, God has been so faithful to express his love to me through very close friends.  Although I have a few very close friends who also live nearby, it has amazed me that some of my most tried and true relationships stand the test of distance, consistently.

My cousin, Shilo, lives in northern Washington.  When we were in Olympia there were two glorious years of being only 3 driving hours apart from each other, and we often took advantage of chances to see one another.  Aside from that, nearly a days journey (either by car or plane) has separated us.  But, it has not prevented us from maintaining a relationship over the phone.  It's not like we talk all that frequently, just that when we do there is no wasted time in small talk or chit chat...we go right to the depths of our hearts.

When Jordan and I moved to Hillsboro, I was feeling very isolated and alone.  It was coming up on the anniversary of Miles birth, and I felt like I was living a double life.  I was so torn and so grieving and so broken inside.  But everyone in Hillsboro only knew us as the couple with a darling little boy in our arms.  Bringing up Miles was hard...do you wait until you know the person well, in which case it then seems strange to share such a huge life story so far into your friendship, or tell people early on in which it is strange to drop something so significant on a new friendship?  I was not gracefully making my way into either of these categories.  Shilo called one afternoon and I spilled my heart through heavy sobs and choking tears.

She listened, she waited, I am sure she knew that through the sadness there was also a bit of frustration and lingering hurt and feeling slighted.  She waited for me to finish and then shared her heart with me.  God had given her a vision.  Through her tears she told me about seeing me standing near the head of a long table.  The table was full, it was bustling, and it was joyful.  She told me that in the vision I was serving the people at the table, and my heart was full as was expressed by the genuine smile and light in my face.  I loved the people at the table, and they were being spiritually fed.

In truth I could not accept it at the time.  The house in Hillsboro had a tiny kitchen with barely space for a four seating table, let alone a stretching table full of people.  And there I sat on my couch...alone.  My one son soundly sleeping for his nap and my husband at work.  I had only a small handful of friends and actually we always went to their houses for meals.  I felt like she was telling me her vision to make me feel better, and it wasn't working.  I told her something spiritual in response, having to do with it being a vision of me in heaven.  Not all visions were made to be fulfilled on earth.

Fast forward almost two years.  I had just returned from the hospital, hearing that we had lost a second baby at 11 weeks of pregnancy.  Doesn't it seem that a heart would already know how to respond to God when the same tragedy happens for a second time?  Instead I was hurting in a whole new slew of ways.  Even with dear friends and deep relationships forming around me, I shrunk away into the seclusion of my pain.  

My sister, Heather, called.  She and I have only once lived in the same state, and it was before I knew how to love and appreciate my brother's wives.  I abused my time when I was close in proximity to her.  We have spent the remainder of our friendship longing to be nearer to one another.  Over the phone we just cried.  I don't know how much I even spoke because Heather is a person who enters into pain with you even before you have explained or asked her to.  Our Spirits were united.  She wanted to share a vision with me that she felt God had given her as she was praying for me.  I was standing near the head of a long table that was full of happy people.  I was serving the people at the table, but I was filled by them and had deep joy...

It was almost eerie (if you didn't know Jesus) that the wording was even the same as Shilo's two years before.  I had not ever shared Shilo's vision with anyone, nor had she.  Even still, even with the confirmation and the affirmation, I could not accept it.  Why were these "visions" coming after such great loss?  I began to feel even more and more like this "table" was going to be in heaven and I was just going to continue losing baby after baby to fill my heavenly table.  It made my stomach hurt and my bones ache to think about it.  If it was earthly, at this rate I would be 50 before I ever had enough children to fill a table.  

Last fall when we were living with Jenn and her kids, we were preparing for a meal.  It was my night to cook and the kids came piling in from outside with muddy feet, dirty hands, and clothes worn with the day's activities.  Dishes were all over the kitchen and I think I had ordered everyone to sit down at least three times.  Trey was pounding on his highchair and whatever kids had found their way to the table were already poking at each other and playing.  Jordan came down and rustled everyone up even more, raising the laughter and noise level a noticeable degree.  Jenn had Caleb in the bouncy seat and was putting his pacifier in while reminding kids not to bang their silverware and be careful of their water cups.  As I brought the main dish over to the table, the kids all looked over at me, expecting eyes communicating hungry tummies.  They leaned in as I put it down on the table, inhaling the aroma and anticipating the taste.  We prayed.  We dished up.  As I moved along the side of the table heaping food onto their plates, cutting bites, pulling up sleeves, sliding cups away from the edge, God whispered into my ear.  

You are serving my table.  

I stepped back at the audible sound.  I looked around, aware in a new way.  

But, Lord.  This is not my table.  This is Jenn's table.  These aren't even all my kids.  Plus, this doesn't look like a vision, it looks like a train wreck.  The kids are a mess, they are using plastic plates.  No one looks shiny or filled with light and I certainly don't feel like I am floating around filling everyone's needs!  I haven't even been nice to all these people today.

In love, he whispered back.

This is my Table.  You are serving me.  

Since then, my heart has changed about the vision.  I was only seeing it through my own eyes.  My eyes that see things in magazine glory, not God's glory.  

This year has been a year of table glimpes for me.  God has often recalled to me the incredible joy of sharing this vision, and it always makes me feel as though he is standing there with me.  

 Celebrating birthdays together at Jenn's house.  We did four birthdays while we were there, and didn't sell ourselves short on a single one.  There was some rich celebrating and dear memories made at the dinner table over hysterical gifts, heartfelt cards, delicious food, and super hyper kids.

We broke in the new house and the new table with my Aunt Julie, Uncle Cal, my cousin Travis and his wife and their 4 kids.  I was behind schedule and needed extra hands in the kitchen and with the kids when they arrived and Jordan was even later than me...but I can still smell the curry chicken, the fresh bread and the cracking fire.  We lingered for a long time on our picnic benches, savoring bites and company.  Kids thundered up and down the stairs with toy guns and the girls came and went out of the kitchen with an array of dress up clothes.  That...is a good meal.

 We had two snap shot visits from Shilo and her family this year.  Both times found us around the table, a huge dinner, and lots of chattery kids.

 In fact there were too many kids to fit us all around my great big, long table.  So we added two extra little tables and made for some special cousin time.

 Not long after that, my parents came and stayed for almost a week.  There was a beautiful mixture of laughter, snuggling, story sharing and hot breakfasts.

 Then we had the most action packed, fun filled, super cousin week of the summer.  Mandy and her 3 kids came and stayed with us and I think Mandy I will contest that the entire week was like one big meal.  If you aren't preparing, you are eating, or cleaning, or planning or packing from one meal running into the next.  We fed relationships that week, enough to last us until next time we see them.

 The second snap shot visit from Shilo gave us an evening with just her kids while she and Sean were at a wedding.  We did dinner outside and then carried the party to the fire pit.


Over my birthday we shared several unforgettable meals with Grammy and Pops.  The kids were celebrated, birthday was honored, and needy souls were fed.

We also shared our table with my cousin, Jean, for just a weekend.  God's gift was his natural provisions of food.  We ate fresh berries until we nearly burst.  The conversation at the table was rich and encouraging and challenging.

We had my cousin, Callie, and her family for a long weekend.  In God's grace it was a few short days that he stretched into a relaxing and sprawling weekend of enjoyment.  They cooked, we cooked, we all ate until we were full and our hearts were exploding with thankfulness for one another.

I am so thankful that God does things to his glory, and still allows us to get a taste of how he is accomplishing that and involving us in it.  The vision of me at the table really had little to do with me.  It had everything to do with feeding his lambs, loving his children, and abiding in him as he equips me to nourish them.  And, it's not just lambs and children in the sense that we think of little kids...it is his children of all ages, the sheep of his hand.  Here, in this messy kitchen, among these dirty kids and cold food and real relationships, his glory is revealed.  

This spring I was part of a Bible Study.  We studied Deuteronomy.  So many times during the book there is reference to God coming and providing or partaking in a meal with his people.  There is promise of a meal in heaven in which we will all dine together in the presence of our Lord, a celebration of the finality of our earthly struggles and the beginning of eternity in Holiness.  

Even now as I look at our table every night, and it certainly is filling up, I can see each person there as the guest of honor at the table of the Lord.  Not one of them is a mandated fulfillment to a promise that I deserve to be given.  The table belongs to the Lord.  Every opportunity I get to stand near him and serve his flock is a glimpse of the heavenly table.  

As Jordan and I look ahead to this next year, we are asking God to expand our table.  Yes, we have another baby coming.  With thanksgiving and giddy delight we will scoot over and make a spot for number four at our nightly meals.  Also, Jordan has taken a role of leadership in our community group as the missions coordinator.  As we encourage our community group to step out in bringing God's love to those around us, we are asking him to bring those in need of hearing about him for the first time to our dinner table.  We are praying that amongst the chaos and the mess and the noise, his truth and love would be communicated.  If you have ever had a meal at our house, you know this will be nothing short of a miracle.  

Fill Your table, Oh Lord.