Oregon Spring

The Beach...again :)

A couple of weeks ago we woke up on a Sunday morning to find brilliant blue skies and warm sunshine. We could have gone to church, and community group, but we couldn't resist the sound of the ocean in our hearts. So we met Jesus in a different way. Our family desperately needed it. I feel like life requires to be broken up. A change in routine, new scenery, refreshment, and escape from the ordinary. That always happens to me at Cannon Beach. The drive brought long awaited conversation and connection with Jordan and I. Jewel was happy to watch the sun filtering through the trees as we drove, and we were all thankful for Psalty the Singing Song Book to help Silas enjoy the one hour trek.

We happened on a trail head that led us to the perfect picnic spot for lunch and wound us from open field to dense forest and gave us peaks at the cliffs dropping to the crashing waves. Jewel napped in the ergo while we walked. Jordan gave Silas critical hiking tips and wilderness information. He learned how to mark the trail when there is a fork in the road so that the way home is clear. He squished his boots into every muddy swamp along the path. He asked a thousand questions and although we answered each one I am sure we will hear them all again. I waiver between being immersed in the moment, feeling the warmth of Jewel up against me and the laughter of the boys, joining into the songs that are sung and the stories being told, and having this out of body experience where I can watch my whole family and just feel overwhelmed by God's goodness and love for me. This is what you gave me for my stay on earth, Lord? Amazing.




(quick shameless plug for my ergo...I hiked nearly 5 miles with 22 pounds strapped to me...I sold all my other carriers to get this puppy, and it was TOTALLY worth it. Love the Ergo)

Siblings

I know I am biased. I know everyone thinks their kids are the best. But I have some pretty convincing evidence. It's enough to persuade me :)

Goodies

I rarely shop for Jewel. I have very generous friends who have passed down LOTS of clothes to me, and my kids have very generous grandparents who help to keep them clothed, but recently my little girl has outgrown all of her long sleeve onesies. Well, sadly for me it is technically spring, which means all stores are displaying flip flops, tank tops, and shorts. It is still cold in Oregon. So I have been shopping around online trying to find some end of season sales to take advantage of, slim pickings and then paying for shipping. Yuck.

As I am looking through the scores and scores of little girl clothes (there are a lot of options) I am wondering where the creativity is in the designing of these clothes. Jewel has several onesies that say "I am so cute" or "I love bunnies" or something. These are mild in comparison to the ones I have not bought that say "I still live at home" or "My favorite word is NO" and more...you know what I am talking about.

I am on the lookout for some really cute, little baby girl stuff. You know, something that says precious baby without ACTUALLY typing the words on the shirt. Then, I get a note from my friend Lori Hansen, she is my beautiful and talented friend (all the way back from DCHS) and she is starting her own line of clothing and accessories (for little ones and mommas....a possible boys line coming soon). Problem solved. Ok, so she doesn't do onesies, but THIS is the kind of stuff I am looking for! I had to share this with my sisters and cousins who also have little girls and really good taste. You guys are going to LOVE her stuff.

hint, hint to those generous grandparents...how cute would some of these outfits be for one year old pictures???

So, check it out, TOTALLY worth your time!
www.desertsprout.com

Remembering and Celebrating

I always debate about writing about my sweet Miles on the blog. Part of me feels like my whole experience of carrying, having him, and losing him is all too personal and private. The pain and grief is hard to share. On the other hand, talking about him is good for me, and he wasn't just my son...he was a nephew, a cousin, a grandbaby, and now a brother. And, as I said from the beginning, I want this blog to be a tool to keep my family and friends who are far away, close in spirit. If you had been sitting on my couch with a cup of coffee this last week, we would have talked about Miles. He has been on my heart.

Each year his birthday is different for me. Thursday marked 4 years ago that he was born. It is always hard. I think about it for weeks in advance, wondering what the day will be like, how will I feel... This year was a mix of emotions. It was a busy day on Thursday, we have mom's group in the mornings, and last week was Bible Study which takes a lot of prep work and a very early morning for me. Afterward I generally get really good naps out of my kids, but this time they just didn't get lined up right and there was no overlap for me to get a little break. Jordan had his big fitness test that morning and passed with flying colors. He ended up needing to work late and I had errands that had to be done that afternoon. Most of the time I feel numb the whole day, wondering how it is that I can perform all of these tasks on a day that remembers my first born son? How can things seem so normal on the anniversary of the least normal day of my life?

It is hard to know how to how to be around Silas and Jewel. Does missing Miles so much mean that I am less satisfied with them? If I am totally in love with them does it mean they took his place and we are fine without him? I remember worrying about how I would love Jewel in the same way that I love Silas, since my love for him is so strong and felt so full. Surely there would not be room for that same kind of love for another. But, I can say with certainty that there is room, and I love Jewel as completely as I love Silas. So I know that I also love Miles with that same encompassing love, even though he is not here to receive it in the same way.

Always God takes care of me in a special way on his birthday. I didn't get the time I wanted to sit and cry and remember when I got to hold him. There was no deep conversation between Jordan and I about how much we miss him or how sad we are when we think of him. There were several situations that made me want to close myself in my room and hide until midnight. I have only met 2 little boys named Miles since we had our Miles. Both of them had birthdays within a couple weeks of ours, and I met them ON my Miles' birthday. Seriously. At first that felt almost hurtful to me, like God was arranging these chance meetings, and why? But as I think about it now both of those times have been helpful to me. They have helped me to really grieve, which I think is healthy. It is as if God is saying to me, "let me help you get there, Sommer. Go ahead and cry for your baby. Tell me what you are thinking and feeling today. Let me comfort you." So, I do. It's so hard to go there, to really remember the day and the hurt. But the comfort is so sweet and precious. It is personal and lovely.

And God always uses the body of Christ to be of physical comfort to me. There were notes, cards, messages, a thoughtful candle, and flowers. I remember after Miles passed away, it was hard for me to enjoy the live flowers people sent. At some point, vased flowers have to be thrown out, and it was depressing to me to throw away something that was sent as a remembrance of him. Again God has changed my point of view. Cut flowers have a special place and a special job, they illuminate a room with color and fragrance. They do not last forever, but every room is better when it has a vase of flowers in it. It is a beautiful representation of Miles' life on earth. Even though he was only here for such a short time, we are better because God gave him to us. And just as one gives flowers out of love, he was given to us out of love. If given the opportunity, I would not ask that we never got to have him simply because his stay was short, instead I will just remember him for the way he illuminated our lives and be thankful that we are still glowing from him.

So thank you to those of you who have allowed me to be the recipients of your gift of compassion. I pray that I am using my gifts to serve God's family as wonderfully as you are.

And thank you God, for the most magnificent day that you gave us with Miles David. Help us to always honor you in our remembrance of him. Thank you that you have designed it so that one day we will be reunited. Thank you for loving me in such a personal and perfect way.

Miles David

Silas CharlesJewel Nancy

Bathtub Fun

I probably don't need this many pictures of one evening in the bathtub, but they were having so much fun and it was so much fun for me to watch!

Jewel looks a little shocked that I would take her picture in the tub, appalled one might say, but she got over that licketly split!

This is obviously prior to her scrub down as she still has biter biscuit all over her cheeks. Those things are a blessing and a curse...so nice to chew on, but they turn to cement on the skin once they dry. She uses all of Silas' transportation pieces as chew toys. Note the rough waters due to Silas' commotion...he's just getting revved up.Ok, things are about to get interesting...

Oh, nice...there you go Jewel, a little spray offSomeone is very pleased with themselves, and someone is a really good sport...which could be which?

She's going for a comeback cheap shot from behind...

But let's face it, she's not much of a threat right now. She will goober you with drool (which I was hoping was only going to happen to the boys in my family, but she is following in the soaking shirt ordeal already), but you certainly won't be mad, look at that smile! Those eyes!!
I spent a lot of night praying over the relationship these two would share. I asked God to please bless them with an adoration for one another. I know we have a long road to go, but I also know the fruit of a praying mother and the gift big brothers. I love the way she watches him and laughs at everything he does. I know the look she's giving, saying that he is the most amazing thing she has ever seen, I've given that same look myself. She reaches for him as soon as he is in eye sight, and is looking for him whenever he can be heard. She kicks and wiggles in delight when he pays her any attention. Nothing is better than listening to her laugh her uncontrollable giggle when he tickles her, makes funny faces at her, or just says her name.

He melts me with his initiation of attention to her. As soon as she is up from her nap, he gleefully runs into the room and stands on the side of her crib saying "Hi Jewely, Jewely, Jewely!" Sure, he snatches toys now and again, and has to be watched with the intensity of his affections. Yesterday I overheard him saying (in a totally up beat and "this is such a great idea" kind of tone) "come on Jewel, lets push your exersacuer down the stairs." she was in it at the time and only her 22 pounds and me being close by saved her from the wild ride. Although for him she probably would have gladly endured it and smiled at the end to show her bravery. He also loves to help her roll over, even though she is quite capable now of doing it on her own. I watched him roll her from tummy to back to tummy to back over and over all in a row, only to hear her giggle with delight at his undivided attention.

But, he loves her so much and (like his Dad) is so good at showing it. He is always speaking for her, telling me what food she likes and doesn't like, whether or not she is feeling tired, and the toy she is looking for. It is distressing to him when she is upset, he says "I don't know why my sister is crying." They are sharing a room right now and if she fusses before he is totally asleep he will lean as close to the monitor as he can saying "help, help, help!" and when I get in there he reports that she needs to be burped and snuggled.

I will continue to pray that the Lord foster this friendship. I pray that one day my little Jewel will love, appreciate, and treasure her big brother as much as I do my big brothers.

Oh my silly Silas, I must record your little phrases so that I can read this back one day and picture in my mind your precious little 3 year old face. I know there will be many more to come, so this will have to just be a routine we get into...recording for a while and then posting. Here is the first round!

Upon arriving in Arizona, I congratulated you on your excellent behavior and shared with you how incredibly proud I was of you. Without skipping a beat you said "Well, we couldn't have done it without you, Mom!"

In the car the other night, you were expressing your affection for me and dad. Often you will just come to me and tell me in a sincere and pure way that you love me, it is wonderful. This particular time you said "My Mom is cool." I was thrilled to find out that not only am I loved, but also that (for now) you think I am cool! Then you said "I love my Mom, my Mom is cool." Somehow it rang a bell to me. Where had I heard this before? After a minute, it clicked...Sid the Science Kid and his stinking repetitive songs. "I love my Mom, my Mom is cool, but now it's time, to have some fun in school." I mentally thanked Sid for the new vocabulary, and noted that your little sponge brain needs to be even more closely monitored.If I ever suggest something that sounds appealing to you, you like to say "Oh yeah, that's good, that's a great idea!"

And I love when you are explaining something to me and when I show understanding of your point you remark "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about." You also say that when you have been working on something (like making something with your blocks) and then you get it figured out.

Not to be outsmarted, you are careful in how you pose questions and how you accept answers to things. If I declare something to be true, it is a sure guarantee that you will deny it and strongly disagree with me. If you ask me a question and I respond by saying "hmmm, I think this is..." then you are at liberty to tell me if I am correct or not and can say "oh yes, Mom, you're right, uh-huh, you are right, right, right."

You have gotten in the habit of handing me your empty milk cup and saying "I just chugged the whole thing"

You were playing outside the other day, and stuck your head in the door to announce "I'm just letting you know that it is not raining, but it is cold...just so you know. And you can give me a call it anything changes. Just give me a call OK Mom?"

Dad has been working out a lot at the gym and you are really looking forward to the day that you will be a "man" so you can go with him. You often tell us how when you grow up you will be a jet pilot and you will go to the gym with Dad and lift your weights. It must be on your mind a lot since in the grocery store while you were sitting in the cart you started curling the bags of bananas...one in each hand, making weight lifting noises and all. All this working out must be paying off, you also came to me last week with your shirt off rubbing your bare shoulder slowly. You said "know what this is Mom?" I had no idea, a shoulder? "this is my rock...wanna feel it? Come on, you can feel it, right here."Jewel is very interested in your toys, so we have been practicing finding something that she can play with to exchange for the toy that you want back from her. I knew you were catching on to the concept when you said to me, "Mom, Jewel had my jet so I gave her a block and then I just swiped this." Oh your vocabulary is too funny.

Last night you explained to Mr. Chris that you aren't allowed to get up from the table until your parents are done eating and they excuse you. I laughed out loud when you called us "my parents" whatever happened to "my mom and dad"? You are so grown up.

Dad has been working a lot in the evenings, which means I have been putting you and Jewel to bed.. a lot of times I put Jewel down first and then you once she is asleep since you guys are sharing a room right now. But Jewel hasn't been sleeping well since she has been sick, and she woke up last night while we were tucking you into your bed. It's hard to stay quiet. So I told you that I would sit in the chair and feed Jewel and you could lay in your bed and I would sing us some songs. First you whisper-shout to me that you want me to sing a machine song. Jewel is very easily distracted when she hears your voice, I am very easily frustrated when I wish you were both soundly sleeping and neither of you are. Not to mention, machine songs are made up on the spot, random tunes that Dad and I freestyle about loaders, dump trucks, cranes, and such...I was too tired to muster up a rhyme. So instead I started to sing some of our church songs, but instead of laying quietly and listening, preparing yourself to sleep, you began singing with me...LOUDLY. I tired to sing songs that you didn't know so that you would have to just listen, but apparently you know a lot of songs. When I finally found an old hymn that was unfamiliar to you it got quiet for a moment. I sang slowly and quietly hoping that you would both close your eyes and rest. But, you were not done singing, so you just started belting out "Our God is an Awesome God" over me. I couldn't bring myself to tell you to stop praising God, so I just joined you and then promptly moved you into our bed so that your sister could get back to sleep.
A sign of the age of ages...."Mom, what does dot org mean?"

Jewel has been sick lately, so I have been spending a lot of time walking her around and patting her back attempting to get her to fall asleep. Tonight after you had been in bed for a while, you called for me. I went in to see what was going on and you said "I just need you to get me out of here and pat my back". Of course I did.